In My Dreams

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March ??, 2018

Dear T. Wallenberg Jr.,

I remember the first time I ever saw you. I was helping a dying, injured Pit bull in the park. I left him for a bit to get some medical supplies. When I came back, I saw you with him. I remembered you comforting the dog and you make him know that everything will be alright. The next few weeks, I saw you walking with the dog and even heard you call him ‘Bogard’. Ever since that time, I started having a crush on you.

I’d always visit the park just in case you come. I’ve always seen and admired you from afar. I’ve been really observant and even found out that you are a technician and a musician. Sometimes you come to the park to chill with your co-workers. You are a hard-working person, I can tell. Ever since that day you rescued, Bogard, I’ve never felt going anywhere else but here.

But then I had to leave California and go back to the Philippines. It took me a month to convince my parents to have me go back in the USA alone. I’ve told them that I have a mission to complete, a confession actually. My brother, Brandon was the only supportive person in my family and even gave me a good-bye before I left for the airport.

When I was on my way to the airport, I kept staring at your picture of you and Bogard. I know it’s creepy that I secretly took a shot of you. This is just one shot I promise. I was excited to see you again and finally tell you my feelings when suddenly, everything went black. The next thing I heard was sirens… and people surrounding me… I realised that I was looking at myself.

The next thing I know is that I’m in a dream. It’s not my dream. It’s someone else’s dream. I was scared. I was here… and there you were. It’s you, T. Looking surprised seeing me because you’ve never seen me before in your life.

I started teasing you. You’re so easy to tease, it was funny. You’re amazing. I’m finally able to touch you even though I’m inside your dream. You tried to push me away and it made me feel sad, but that won’t stop me. You wake up. You go to work. You go to sleep and there I am again. You started to wonder who I am.

I didn’t want to tell you my real name or where I’m from. I showed you different pictures in your dreams so that you’ll know more about the real me. I’m an aspiring musician and joined a couple of bands back home. I’m not a good musician but you told me that I’m awesome. I like to look at the starry night sky, still hoping that one day I’ll catch a shooting star and wish upon it. I would like to have a date one day with the guy I like and be in one of the tallest building in Los Angeles and see the world together… with you hopefully. I like to eat pizza and give the crusts to my dog back home which you would do the same for Bogard when you woke up. Thank you, T. I feel like you are accepting me already even though I am just in a dream.

Days, weeks, months passed by, you got used to it that you’re seeing the same person every time you sleep. Sometimes because of me you are late from work since you are enjoying yourself in my company. Sometimes you finish your work quickly so that you can go ahead and sleep early just to see me. You make me feel very special when you do that.

Hey T., I remember you telling me that you like me and care for me. I remember you smiling at me and sharing all those sweet words of yours. That one day you want to see me in person. You want to hug and kiss me for real one day. I smiled because I want that too. I wish things were different. You touched my face and I touched yours. You kissed my forehead and I kissed your lips. We made love every time you dream. I loved you. I do not know how you really felt about me but you caring for me is enough. Just you and your warmth. We looked at each other’s eyes as you held my body close to yours. I didn’t want you to let go… But I know that you have doubts. You don’t know me that much and I’m just a girl in your dreams. You don’t even know if I really exist in real life and sometimes I feel you want to end these dreams as quickly as possible. I feel like everything that has happened between us is not real to you. You have your own problems when you’re in the waking world, and sometimes when you are dreaming… I can feel that you are not okay, that you’re trying to be.

I decided maybe I should stop visiting your dreams, so I did. That’s when I felt pain in my chest. I heard my mom and dad crying. I heard Brandon telling me not to give up. I can hear something pounding on my chest. One night, I didn’t visit you.

I came back though. You were worried. I saw your eyes almost crying and you were panicking. You made me feel special again. “I’m not going anywhere… I don’t hate you. You know that.” You kissed my forehead again and we embraced each other like there’s no tomorrow. You kissed me endlessly as I ran my fingers through your hair. You said you don’t want to give up. You begged me to tell you who I really am. As you tried to embrace me again, I disappeared. I see darkness. I heard my family’s voice. They are crying. What is this pain in my chest? Where am I? T. is waiting for me in his dreams.

“T., come to me. My name is Nana. I’m from the Philippines. Look for me. You have to hurry.” I heard you screaming my name. Ever since then, all I’ve seen was darkness.

Few days later, I felt someone was holding my hands. I heard a familiar voice. Is that you, T. Wallenberg? I heard that you looked for me. You researched about me. You Googled? Can you tell me who died in Game of Thrones?

T., you came for me. But I can’t see you. Where are you? All I can hear is you crying and telling me to show in your dreams. I don’t know how. I wish I knew. How can I get out of this darkness? T., help me. I don’t want to die. There are so many things I want to do in this world. I want to become an actress. If I can’t… I want to be good musician like you or maybe a writer. We can write about our story of how we’ve met or how we’ve dated in your dreams. Hey! I also told you before that I want to have my own animal charity. I missed the stray dog that I used to feed back home. I told you about her, T. Her name is Footsky. Hopefully someone is feeding her.

T., are you visiting me again? I can hear you and you said you have flowers for me. I wish I could see it because I can definitely smell the roses from where I am right now. You’re so sweet. I heard you saying that once I wake up, you’ll take me on the best date of my life. You know me. You’ve mentioned pizza, French fries and ice cream! I’m so happy. You even sang for me even though you don’t have a beautiful singing voice but I do love it when you play guitar. ‘Drops of Jupiter’ is my new favourite song. Thank you. I somehow know that you’re smiling, but later I can feel your tears dropping on my hand. You were holding my hand with both of your hands. What’s wrong, T.? I’m gonna wake up soon. I promised.

T.? Why are you fighting with my parents? You’re angry. What happened? What are they going to pull?! I don’t understand. It’s getting colder. Please help me. I’m scared. I’m scared of losing you.

T.? Where are you? Why are you shouting my name? T., you’re voice is echoing. Where are you? T., who’s grabbing you? Is someone holding you back away from me? T., come back here!!!

T… my parents are crying. My brother is crying. T., where are you? I need you. I can no longer hear you. I can no longer feel your hand. Where’s your warmth? I’m cold. Please don’t leave me alone. I’m scared. I’m stuck here in the dark. Come back. I promise I’ll make it up to you. You’ve been very kind to me and I’ll repay you back one day.

T., there’s a light. Am I going back in your dreams? T., where are you? T., this is not your dream. I don’t want to enter here. They’re dragging me way there. This is not what I want. T… I will miss you dreadfully.

Nana

 

 

 

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